I have to admit that as of late I've been in a bit of a funk.  I think it started about a month ago when I was blindsided by some news that just totally deflated me.  I've slipped into a role of not really caring, becoming frustrated at the actions of others, and just being generally difficult to live with for the past bit.  Now the funny thing is that I've never spent so much time with my girls (all three of them) as I have as of late.  I rather enjoy coming home and making them laugh, listening to their giggles and chuckles as we all spend time together in the evening.  

     But it would be dishonest of me to say that the happiness sustains me for any great length of time.  Don't get me wrong, I love them, dearly; but my mind fixates on the things that aren't "right" so to speak.  Of course this robs me of the happiness that I should have, but I can't help but want to fix it especially since such a large portion of my life is controlled by it.  This thorn, if you will, causes me such stress that other little things in life seem to be blowing up out of proportion.  As of late I'm infuriated that we have too much stuff for too little space, that we're paying as much as we are for things we don't really use or need.  I mean it's insane really.  All of this stress points to one obvious solution, it's time for a change.

     The more I've thought about it the more attractive the idea seems.  Just move on, things will be better, etc.  But, I'm beginning to think that they won't be.  That no matter where I go or what I do I'll always be where I'm at.  Now as someone who is frustrated with the lack of improvement in his life that's quite an annoying realization.  Two of the biggest items on my list is my health and my debt.  The sick, and I mean sick part about both situations is that I know what I need to do to fix both of them.  It's simply a lack of discipline.  This is something that's within my control and I'm now working to fix.  The other thing though, the thorn that's stuck . . . is that in my control?  

     I think it is.  I've determined that no matter what I do or where I go I'll always be in a situation where I'm being praised one minute and then from out of nowhere I'll be slammed and spoken to as if I should have seen it coming.  Not sure why this is but it is the way that it is.  A saying I have that my wife abhorrers is, "it is what it is".  Can't say as I blame her as it's a quite defeatist tone to have.  So what's to be done?  If the problem travels with me then I'm the one that needs to change.  It's time to change the lenses through which I'm viewing my life.  Oh don't think I'm going to turn into one of those blindly happy people that smile and laugh even when their cat gets plastered all over the road.  That's just plain creepy.  

     Perhaps though it is time to change focus a bit.  I think I was getting my satisfaction from my work instead of things that really mattered to me.  I've gotten away from the ideology that I work as hard as I do because my work is a reflection on me and my faith.  I don't know how to do a bad job on something and if I do make a mistake I learn from it and make sure steps are taken to where it'll never happen again.  I work hard because the last thing I want people to think is that I'm lazy or stupid.  But . . . I refuse to find my self worth in my job.  Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that it pays for the roof over my head and the food on my table.  It's been good to me and my family and most companies I've worked for have done right by me.  

     But my worth, my value; was that of an Eternal Son nailed to a cross.  When I was an enemy he died for me.  Because of that I want to serve and bring honor to Him.  Doing a good job, giving my all, working as He would work; that brings honor and glory to Him.  If vocations change or if they don't, I'm still going to work just as hard.  What you won't see is me letting someone that doesn't have the right to effect my mood make such a dramatic impact on me.  I've felt sick for almost a month now.  Just lost, frustrated, annoyed.  It's time to change the glasses, my family means more to me than they get.  It's time to work on some contentment.  It's time to see the value in the relationships that I have everywhere and the impact that I'm making.  It's time to take other people, even myself, off the throne of judgment that I've setup in my life and let the One who has the right to judge to tell me how I'm doing.