Let me go ahead and get it out of the way that this post might … ok will … offend some folks. Well, offend is the wrong word. It might make some folks upset. Realize that you’re not really angry at me for saying what I’m about to say but rather that perhaps I’m right and there’s a twinge of guilt that’s pricking at your heart. Now, if that’s not the case then it means one of two things. Either you honestly have never thought along these lines which is totally awesome or you’re so deluded that you wouldn’t know truth if it slapped you in the face.
Earlier today I was seeking advice from a few of my female friends regarding a situation that I was talking to a 3rd party about. The details are not overly important but the key point was that the emotional needs of the lady in the relationship was not being satisfied by her male counter-part; even though he felt he was doing enough. There was an array of responses and some good insight all around. Something struck me though . . . not one single person said she needed to move on and deal with it. No one said that she needed medication, herbal or chemical, to make this need go away. No one suggested that there was something mentally wrong with her feeling this way and that she needed to seek professional help.
What I find interesting is that I’m guessing if I asked the same question regarding say a male friend of mine that wasn’t getting enough physical attention from his spouse . . . either a joke would be made about that just being what marriage is OR that he’s a sex fiend OR that he’s obviously not filling some need of hers. In one situation there’s concern and help, while in another there’s judgement and venom. Now I’m not saying that the exact same people would have responded but I’m fairly certain the sentiment would have existed amongst a certain set of women.
Curious I did some digging about natural sexual suppressants and what I found was not surprising but horribly sad at the same time. First there was a lot of talk about there being no real safe suppressant of libido. I wasn’t surprised to find several men there (there were a few women, but it was easily 90% male) and I was deeply saddened by comment after comment from men that loved their wives deeply but were searching for a way to kill a part of themselves. It’s not like they were wanting sex 5 times a week, several were talking about once every couple of months! Getting a girlfriend was out of the question as the point was they loved their wives dearly . . . they knew that their sex drives were a burden to both their relationship and their own sanity.
Obviously we’re wired different. We have different needs and desires . . . this brings me to my second point and I’ll speak to the image shown below.
Forget for a moment the literary value, or lack thereof, of the content of the Twilight series. (Yes I’ve read all of them along with my wife, so I’m allowed to say what ever I want with some level of authority) There’s no denying there was and still is quite the swooning stir of ladies in love with Edward Cullen (or Jacob Black). While the book left a lot open to the description of the looks of our characters they did a great job of talking about the relationship between the two dueling dudes and Bella Swan. So let’s boil it down to what it is, two guys fighting over a girl and both of them want to protect her, nurture her, and shower her with love and affection. One of them is immortal so he’ll never leave her side and he can’t stand to be away from her. Wow, you just described the natural needs of 80% of the women in our society.
Let me describe another scene for you. A guy comes home from where ever he’s been and is greeted by a beauty. Why is she beautiful? Because she’s confident in who she is . . . well and other obvious traits . . . maybe it’s hair, smile, eyes, body, whatever. She comes on to him. She wants him, needs him, goes “after” him. Congrats . . . you just described the natural needs of 80% of the men in our society.
One is literature, the other is porn. One is talked about in church book clubs while the other is an obvious bed of evil. One can be carried around and chatted about at work, the other hangs like a scarlet letter made of stone around your neck. One is leisurely enjoyment while the other is cheating on your spouse.
Newsflash, they are the same. If a book fills the role of your husband in your life then it’s porn. All the vile hatred you have for it you need to have for that book. I’m not just talking about Twilight . . . it could be any series of fiction that fills an emotional need. And PLEASE, if the thought “well if my husband just did the dishes then . . . ” crossed your mind then just stop. You’re not looking for the dishes to be done, you’re looking for an act of service which is one of the love languages. You know what, if you need acts of service then your husband needs to know that you need acts of service. Let me put it this way, does it sound any better to say, “Well if my wife would just have sex with me more often I wouldn’t have to look at porn” . . . it doesn’t does it? It’s the same thing.
I must stress, I am in NO way advocating the use of pornography. WAY too many studies have been done to show it’s ill effect on long term social health. Not to mention the objectification that occurs. I can speak with personal experience that it’s no different than any drug in that you need more and more of it to find satisfaction. It’s also just as hard as a drug habit to quit.
In my scenario the husband thought he was doing enough by his terms. But since a marriage is made up of 2 people then it’s really about the terms of both parties. If you’re not having needs met then you need to tell your spouse; be they emotional or physical needs. Don’t fill them with cheap and hollow pursuits. Take the time to talk about the stuff that’s uncomfortable and deal with it.
I will close with the acknowledgement that I’m painting with a wide brush here and every situation is different. Just be honest with yourself when you look in that mirror and then get honest with your spouse.